Guilt: I am sure it won't be the first time I will feel this as a parent but I am shocked that I feel guilty before they even have come. You see these babies were extremely well wished for. We suffered infertility and pregnancy loss. During those 4 years I made countless baby gifts: knitted hats, burp cloths, wash cloths, onesies, quilts, you name it I probably made it. I remember crying through some of the projects, imagining myself being able to open a handmade gift and shriek with joy, and daydreaming of the day when I would make my children gifts. In a way it kept me going-I knew deep within my heart that one day I WOULD make my own children things.
On Wednesday night I had a rough night thinking that the girls were on their way any minute. I tried to stay calm as I know storms can throw women into labor (we got over a foot of snow on Thursday). During those early morning hours when I was frantically packing our bag just in case, I looked around at their nursery and wave of guilt came crashing over me. Their quilts were still not done, I don't even have a pattern, or yarn in mind to knit them up a cute newborn hat. While I have made a lot I still felt like I had let them down in some ways.
Silly I know, but I also know I am not alone in this feeling. In the pinterest/diy/etsy world we live in there is pressure to make so much for your kids, your home, to cook amazing meals every night and keep your Tupperware drawer organized. I had one mom remark recently how horrible she felt that her kid was the only kid in preschool with store bought Valentine's day cards. I could not believe it! My mom was a full time single mother who barely had time to get home from work, dinner on the table, and to the store to even buy cards. I never thought twice in fact I think most kids in my class would have been turned off by handmade Valentine's- we all wanted the cards with the suckers attached to them! I had to decorate and design my own Valentine's day shoe box and even won one year! I took great pride in doing it myself, with no help, and not even one google search. I am sure glitter is still in the carpet from the whole debacle though.
I love all of the creative juices that are all over the internet. I also love all the recipes, handmade soaps, and parenting ideas that 10 years ago I would have never been privy to. However, I really had to make myself take a few deep breaths and realize that having a perfect DIY nursery is not an indicator of the love I have for my children, or my parenting abilities. Beating myself up because my girls might go home in a store bought beanie should be the last of my worries. Instead I should worry about their health and well being and to take the time to savor that scary, joyful, overwhelming car ride where I,for the first time, ride in a car with my children. I should take value in the fact that I have remembered my vitamins most nights, helped sustain two beating hearts, and watched what I feed myself and therefore the girls. The working mom who works 8-5 everyday to provide a comfortable life for her children, who comes home after a rough day and still has a mountain of laundry waiting for her. All of these things are just as valuable. At the end of the day I think we are all just trying to do the best we can for those around us.
The projects are wonderful, but the quilts will be memories that my children get to cherish and define. Rather I just need to remember when I stay up late to make party favors for their first birthday to stop, look in their nursery and smile because it is for them at the end of the day!